It's been awhile since I have blogged. For many reasons though, for I have not shared and dreaded the reality of my Father's battle with cancer. He passed away December 10th, 2011. I still cannot even fathom this reality as I sit here today. He fought a good fight for 3 years. The most amazing thing of all, somehow he kept his witty sense of humor until the day he passed. I will always admire him for that. It has been an endless roller coaster of emotions. You know when you hear or read of stories when someone passes, a grandparent, a parent, sibling, etc., and true colors surface among family members. Maybe because emotions are tense and raw and we are looking to lash out on those most important to us? Or we are looking to take control of every situation? Or maybe to have all the attention? That day of glory? I am still trying to figure out all the answers. Sad, but true, because of this tragedy I have learned what family is. And now I understand the meaning of knowing who your true family and friends are. It's not always those of blood. But more of who understand you. More importantly, respect you. Accept you. And be accepting of that special man or woman in your life, regardless if they like them or not.
I have a wonderful man in my life, whom I can't say enough about. I never knew what love was until he showed me (this is true). Still to this day he makes my heart race! Failed relationship after relationship, yes, I had my blinders on and kept falling for the same kind of pathetic, narcissistic assholes. I didn't respect myself and was beaten down so much verbally and mentally, that I thought I didn't deserve any better. After my first treacherous relationship and two children later, I had no desire to even think about having a new man in my life. Let alone a new man around my children. So with my new found independence and life, I got a job and my own place, with my children right by my side. It was the most exhilarating moment of my life when I finally found the courage to leave. I didn't start to get back into the dating world for well over a year.
And when I did, who did my friends refer me to? Match.com. Go ahead, laugh, roll your eyes, make a remark. I know, I know. That's all I got to say. Well, maybe. I realized how on match or any dating site for that matter, that you can be anyone you want to be. But I didn't take that into any consideration until it was too late. Long story short, I was approached by so many men that I had to ask myself how can there be so many single men?! It was overwhelming. Humorous. Flattering. A little scary. I was on the hunt for those who had children because I had this preconceived notion that a man without kids would instantly have no interest. How wrong was I?! Only to find out many years later after mistake number 2. Third time is a charm, literally!!! I will get to that in a bit. Mistake number 2 turned out to be just as pathetic as mistake number 1. He had the wool pulled over my eyes. Played a total facade while not only playing me, but a few other women as well. We live and learn, right? I became pregnant with mistake number 2. I had the mind set that I was having this baby with or without him. And so I did. A beautiful, handsome boy mixed with my Hawaiian and Filipino genes and his Father's Vietnamese...I had a boy with big brown puppy dog eyes, olive skin and brown hair. I was ecstatic. My other two had their Dad's dirty blonde hair, fair skin and blue eyes. My genes not present at all.
Fast forward a little here, I was alone during my whole pregnancy, by choice. After seeing what a douche bag mistake number 2 was, I did not want my son to grow up having him as his Father. It was enough for my other two to endure all they were exposed to as toddlers with mistake number 1. So with the emotional support from friends and family, I made it on my own, kept working well into my 7th or 8th month. My sister was with me during my delivery (c-section due to fetal stress) that was scary as hell. But my boy was born healthy and that was all that mattered. About a month or so later, who calls? Mistake number 2. Professing his apologies and love and promises of being a better man, a family man and "I want to meet my son" guilt trip. Bad timing. Ladies, we all know how naive and sensitive one can be after having a baby! I caved. I'm a sucker for second chances. And I just had to find out if he was a changed man. You can't teach an old dog new tricks holds true, so very true. To be continued...
